Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
