I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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