Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
