I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
