Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My ass is underappreciated
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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