what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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