the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
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