Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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