dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
