my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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