Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
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Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
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Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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