So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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