birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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