Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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