my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
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