just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just got carded by a ten year old.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
