I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I still have a little drunk in my system
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
