high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
