this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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