then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
