and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
