There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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