i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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