if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
