i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Success! We fucked roommates!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
