have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
