How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
