i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
