I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
