Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
