Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
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