my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
