look no pants
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
