i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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