I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
