For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
