He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
