Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
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Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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