It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
