If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
