I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
