I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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