I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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