Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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