Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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