just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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