just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
