the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
