Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I can text with my tongue
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
