I hope mine doesn't look like that
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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