I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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