first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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