Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
