i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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