I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
