I feel great
I just peed on a car
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
