she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
