i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
