Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
