God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
